Thought Process
by wanttowrite
Summary: Stephanie's internal conflict regarding her life. Was going to be a one shot, but the poor girl's still conflicted.  All characters belong to JE. They were not harmed in the making of the story and will be returned in good condition.
1. Chapter 1

_Thought Process_

I was laying on my bed in my favorite thinking position. I needed to come to terms with stuff in my life, but had been avoiding these things like they were a plague. I wasn't getting any younger and despite my advancing years, I still could not decide what I wanted to do with my life. I never made life simple for myself. I didn't want the same things my sister wanted. She is 'Burg. I am something else but still spring from 'Burg roots. I guess what I'm saying is that while I don't want the typical 'Burg life, I still feel compelled by it. In thinking about the men in my life, one was more 'Burg than the other. Growing up, Joe was the type of man I was supposed to marry one day. Of course, no one really wanted me to marry at Morelli, but his qualities fit the bill.

Joe Morelli, a Trenton vice cop, with movie star good looks and a sometimes 'bad boy' image had a hold over me that I probably should not analyze too closely. His obvious sexual attraction was easy enough to understand, but there was something else about him that kept me coming back for more. He has a temper. He hates my job. Hell, I hate my job sometimes, so that shouldn't matter. He understood that I'm not the typical 'Burg babe. Babe, the one word that totally throws me every time I hear it.

Babe is what Ranger calls me. When he says it, it could mean just about anything, but more often than not I understand the meaning. Ranger is not 'Burg, will never be 'Burg and doesn't pretend to be 'Burg. He's a world away from what I grew up believing I wanted or needed. He's a friend, a mentor and a protector. If he has a temper, he doesn't show it. He has never once asked me to quit my job, but he's been there for me when things went badly. It's the feelings that I have for him that keep me from committing myself to a relationship with Joe. At least, that's what I have been telling myself for three years. The truth may be something totally different.

As I lay against the headboard, I realize that I really fear rejection. I know Joe. I've known him since early childhood. Okay, maybe not so well back then, but I know his family, his friends. I know what he likes and dislikes. I don't know Ranger as well as I would like. I don't know all of his family or friends. I know some of the men who work for him and put their lives on the line for me. Despite what I don't know about Ranger, there's still a strange connection between us that I honestly don't want to break.

The thing is that Ranger and Joe have a truce of sort where I'm concerned. It's made me even more confused about my feelings. There are moments when I don't much like either one of them. I sleep with Joe fairly regularly, but I still share moments with Ranger that feel like he's poaching. He uses subtle pressure to test the water with me and, God help me, I let him do it. If I were totally committed to Joe, that shouldn't happen. Ranger knows it. I know it.

I should walk away from one and give myself totally to the other, but I can't. No matter what I tell myself, I need them both. If I were to agree to marry Joe, it would change my relationship with Ranger dramatically. I don't know if I can stand that. If I try to explore a relationship with Ranger, I might lose Joe's friendship. I know I don't want that either. Talk about being between a rock and a hard place. To make matters worse, I really do love them both.

Lately, I noticed that Joe's been pretty quiet. He's got something on his mind and frankly, I'm afraid to find out what it is. Maybe he's heard that Ranger's stepped up his moves. I know that Joe is aware of what goes on in the alley next to Vinnie's place. He mentioned it once before, but tried to gloss over it a little. I know that he was hurt, but I still can't help myself.

Why can't I make up my mind? I really am not sure I even want to. I mean, right now I'm getting the best of both worlds. I have Joe and Ranger both. The thing is, I am actually starting to feel guilty about it. I really don't want to hurt either one of them, but if things continue the way they are going now, I know all three of us will end up with nothing. Of course, there's the issue that Ranger hasn't really offered a relationship. He's been honest about that. He's not the marrying kind, but then again, I'm not so sure I am either.

Joe, on the other hand, really wants the family and home scene. At least I think he does. He's mentioned it a couple of times. Me, I don't know that I can do the wife and kids thing. I know that sometime soon I will need to decide. So that brings me right back to where I was when I started thinking.

I heard the locks on the door tumble. That meant that Ranger was in the building. It was nearly midnight. I know he saw my bedroom light on from the parking lot. I have to smile at how he always checks in on me.

"Hey, Babe," he said with a smile from the doorway. He looked incredibly handsome and dangerous leaning against the door jamb.

"What are you doing here?" I don't know why I asked.

"Saw the light. Can't sleep?"

"Something like that."

"Need help?"

"What kind are you offering?"

"Whatever kind you need."

Yeah, he'd help himself right into my bed if I let him, but this isn't about sex.

"Not the kind you're interested in."

"How do you know what I'm interested in?"

He had a point. There were times I wish I knew what he was thinking.

"Touche."

Ranger came over to sit by me on the bed. "You've obviously been thinking. What's up?"

I leaned back against the bed, but thought I would be more comfortable against Ranger. I took a chance and moved against him. "I've been sitting here examining my life. I guess I was thinking it is time to grow up and I've been trying to figure out how to do that without becoming someone else."

Ranger nodded. "And," he prompted.

"And, I don't know anything more than I did when I started the whole thinking process. I mean, there are times when I feel like a total failure and times when I think that this is the best time of my life. I suppose that's normal, right?" Okay, so I need validation here.

"Yeah, sounds normal. Why do you feel like you're a failure?"

I moved closer to him, inhaling his unique scent. "There are times when I think I need to conform to what is expected of me. I don't want to let my parents down. There are times when I think that I'm letting Joe down as well. Have I ever let you down?" I asked without thinking.

"No, Babe, you haven't let me down. I don't think you've let Morelli down either. Your parents understand that you're different. The only person you need to live for, Steph, is yourself."

I felt his arm tighten around my shoulders. Funny how this big, bad mercenary would make me feel better.

"Babe, why the deep reflection?"

"Joe's kind of gotten quiet. I know he's aware of what goes on in the alley and I think it has finally gotten to him. I don't' want to hurt him, Ranger."

"I see," he said quietly.

"Do you?"

"Yeah, you want me to step away." His face was blank when I looked up to face him.

"No, I don't. That's just it. I was sitting here thinking that the problem is me. I can't choose between you two. I care about both of you." Can't use the "L" word with Ranger.

Ranger released me and moved to stand up. "Babe, Morelli is a good man. He can take care of you and offer you the kind of life that I can't. That doesn't mean that I don't care about you. You know that I do." He moved away from the bed.

Emboldened by my hour of deep soul searching, I went after him. I stopped him in front of the couch. "Look at me Ranger." I grabbed at his arm. He swung around and for a moment the mask slipped.

"I don't know that I could ever commit to what Joe's offering, even if you weren't around. I'm not asking you to back off. I'm the problem, not you. I'm the one that goes through withdrawal if I don't see you for a week. I'm the one that calls you when I need help. Joe is starting to see that I'm the one who goes running to you; you're not chasing me." My voice started to crack. "You're not chasing me," I whispered.

I turned to go back to my room, but a pair of strong arms encased me. "I want to," he whispered. "I want to be the one you come to when you need help. I want to be the one who sleeps with you and protects you. Jesus, Steph, I want it all, but I can't have it." His voice turned thick with emotion.

I swallowed hard. "Why not? Why can't you have it all?"

"I don't deserve it. I don't deserve you. I keep thinking that you need someone who will keep you safe and happy. Someone who can give you a home and a family. I know you don't want those things now, but you will. You're from the 'Burg. It's going to be calling to you like some siren's song."

I considered his words. He wants me, but was just as afraid as I am of commitment. "And if I don't want those things? If I don't need those things to make me happy? You know what my biggest fear is?"

"No, what?"

"My biggest fear is that you won't come to me. My biggest fear is that you will reach a point where you won't care anymore. It'll be my fault and I will have lost something very important. So figure that one out, will you," I said, my eyes filling with tears. God, what has gotten into me?

"Babe, don't cry," he sighed and pulled me close. "I promise you that I'll always be there for you, no matter what decisions you make regarding your future. Does that make it easier?"

I looked up into the perfect face that I was growing to love. He hadn't said that he loved me or that he wanted me, but he made me a promise. Ranger doesn't break his promises.

"I'm not being fair to Morelli, Ranger. I can't hurt him anymore. He deserves better."

"Babe, you're the best. You're what he wants. Think about it long and hard before you make a move."

I yawned. "I will. Thanks."

I climbed back into bed. Ranger pulled the covers up over me and turned out the light. I felt his light kiss on my forehead. I smiled to myself. Nothing had changed. I hadn't gotten any further in my decision process. I was still uncommitted and afraid to lose them both. Maybe a good night's sleep would help me see things clearer. Yes, I wouldn't think about it anymore. I'll wait until tomorrow.


	2. Chapter 2

_Thought Process Chapter 2_

When I woke the next morning, I had a headache. I knew it was from all the "rubber burning" as Ranger called my thought process. Nothing had changed. I was still as confused as I was before I set myself to the task of dealing with my feelings. Frankly, I was better off when I was supposedly 'repressed'. The problem with self-psychoanalysis is that it is damn depressing.

I decided to take a hot shower and hope for the best in the day. Since it is Friday, Joe and I would be expected for dinner with my family. It was a tradition that I honored, Lord knows why. Actually, it was probably the lure of free food, since I 'm not much of a cook. The question was why does Joe go along. He probably uses the same reason I do. As I let the hot water pound my body, I thought about Joe. Okay, so it was the pounding sensation that really reminded me of Joe, but I don't want to digress. Joe was a big part of my life. He's safe and comfortable. Do I want safe and comfortable? There were days when that's absolutely what I want, but then there were days where the thought of safe and comfortable felt like settling for the 'Burg life.

I started washing my hair and my thoughts flicked over to Ranger. You would think that there is nothing safe and comfortable about him, but for me, those words do apply. He is there for me when I need him. I could fall asleep in his arms and feel totally safe. In fact, I don't think I have ever slept better than when he was beside me. Of course, I wouldn't mind having him wear me out in the bedroom before falling asleep, but we haven't really taken our relationship to that level. I could not and would not do that to Joe.

I stood there in front of my foggy mirror and wondered how in the world this threesome would turn out. I considered Ranger's words from last night. He seemed to be telling me to commit to Joe and move on, but I don't feel right about that. In the back of my mind, I could see the look in his eyes as he watched me spill my guts. He heard every word I said and while he didn't judge me, he felt something. I don't what it was, but I am sure he felt something.

Since I was presently without transportation of my own choosing, I was driving Big Blue. Talk about a depressing situation. Right now it appeared that the most dependable thing in my life was actually an old, used Buick. At over thirty years old, I kind of hoped I would be beyond all this stuff. I figured I would be happy in a career and living on my own in a really sweet apartment. Well, I had the living on my own stuff down, if you don't count Rex, and I had the apartment. Sure it was more like a reject from my college days, but it was my apartment after all. Happy in my career was really a relative thing. I felt I was getting better at the apprehension gig, but somehow I wasn't sure I could call bringing in FTA's a career. Maybe Ranger could find a way to make it work for him, but I was a long way away from calling working for my cousin Vinnie a long term career. Now, if I were to own Vinnie's place, maybe that would work. I could see it now, Stephanie Plum Bail Bonds, or better yet, Bombshell Bail Bonds. Bombshell was the nickname given to me by some of the Rangeman employees. They thought it was cute, so who was I to argue. Of course, any reports of my misdeeds with bombs or other explosives were way out of context.

The only great things about Vincent Plum Bail Bonds were the office manager, Connie, and the file clerk and part time bounty hunter wannabe, Lula. I considered both women to be true friends and made it a point, even when business was slow, to stop by the office several times a week. Lula, a former ho, was fast becoming one of my favorite people. She had a way of telling it like it was and not sparing your feelings in the process. At least you knew where you stood with Lula.

"Hey white girl," she called out when I entered the office. "What's you been up to? I haven't heard from your sorry ass in a while."

If you didn't know Lula, you might think she was upset, but I know different.

"Yeah, I know," I began, "things are kind of stressed right now."

"Tell me you're not on the outs with Officer Hottie. Did you finally grow a set and go after Batman?" Everything revolved around sex for Lula, well sex and food. Probably a throwback to her former profession, I guess.

"It's not Joe, or even Ranger. It's me. I can't figure out what exactly my problem is," I whined. Yes, I had to admit that even to myself, I sounded whiny.

"Girl, sounds to me like we be needing some girl talk time. Connie, what you say? Want to go with and grab some lunch?" It really didn't matter what time of the morning it was, because girl talk and food were a matched set. You couldn't have one without the other.

Connie locked up the office since Vinnie was currently out-of-town. We piled into Lula's Firebird and headed for the mall. Nothing says you can't shop and girl talk at the same time.

"Okay, Steph. What gives? It's not like you to be all reflective or whatever," Lula began. "Did that hot stuff Morelli piss you off?"

Where to start, I thought. It wasn't fair to put my conflicted state on Morelli or even on Ranger. I realized that I was the problem, not either of them. Both men made their intentions toward me very clear. It was me who couldn't make up my mind.

"No, it's not Joe. It's not even Ranger. It's me," I repeated, out loud this time. "I suppose I'm realizing that I'm not twenty-one anymore. I wonder how much longer I can keep up this bounty hunter work and what's there for me afterward. I'm not like Ranger, I don't have that enterprising spirit thing going. I don't' want to be a boss necessarily, but I don't' like the idea of not being able to take care of myself. Do you ever worry about what you'll be doing in five years?"

Lula considered the question. "I guess five years ago I probably did think about it. I mean, I was in a pretty tough position. You had to think about how you would deal when you couldn't strut yourself on the street. It ain't like you have a lot of choices as a ho. You make the best of it."

We both knew what that meant for Lula. After Ramirez left her for dead at my proverbial doorstep, Lula had to make a new life for herself. She managed to pick up the pieces and make something better of them. When I lost my job at E. E. Martin, I managed to blackmail my cousin into giving me a job. Of course, I also had a lot of help from Ranger and his men, so I can't say that I made my way on my own.

"Yeah, I guess," I began. "I don't know what started me thinking like this, but I'm kind of obsessing with the whole 'what have I done' bit. A part of me is afraid I'm turning into my mother."

I grimaced.

Connie smiled. "Steph, you're not turning into your mother. You're just having a little mid-life crisis."

"Mid-life crisis?" I yelled. "I'm way too young for a mid-life crisis."

Connie smiled again, "There's all kinds of mid-life crisis. Some come on earlier than others. It doesn't make you a bad person," she offered.

Well, damn, I wasn't even thinking that before she said it. "What do you do about a mid-life crisis? Did you have one?"

Connie blushed. "Hell yes, I had one. Most women do. I remember it well. I was kind of going through a dry spell, if you know what I mean, and I was so horny all the time. It was getting embarrassing. I mean sex was all I could think about."

Lula and I leaned forward with our elbows on the table, hanging on Connie's every word. "Go on," Lula prompted.

"Well, I wasn't sure what to do. I mean I didn't have a man in my life to take my agression out on, if you get my drift. I really needed to release some energy."

Lula and I were hanging on every word. It wasn't like Connie to get so personal like this.

"So, what did you do?" I asked, not realizing I was holding my breathe.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Thought Process Chapter 3**_

Lula and I were coming unglued. Connie was letting us in on a part of her life that frankly she didn't go into a lot of details about. I mean, sure we always comment about how hot Ranger is and there were some other comments about Joe, but those were usually made by Lula. Connie isn't exactly a mystery, but I wouldn't call her an open book either.

"It's kind of like this," she began. "I wasn't getting anywhere with a guy and I had all this energy so I decided to write about my perfect moment."

Lula snorted, "You mean to tell me that rather than get laid, you started writing?" The snort became a chuckle, "Girl, you got it all wrong. Why didn't you just go out and find yourself some young stud."

I kept quiet, but my eyes never left Connie's face. I have a feeling she's divulging something huge. "Go on," I prompted softly. "Tell us the rest."

Connie smiled shyly. "There's not that much to tell. I sort of enjoyed putting all those emotions on paper. I read what I wrote and I was surprised that it sounded as good as it did." She picked up her almost forgotten drink. Lula and I did the same.

"Is this something we can read?" I asked. My curiosity was getting the better of me. What was Connie's perfect moment like?

Connie actually blushed. "I don't know if I want anyone reading it. It's really personal. I only brought it up because maybe if you try something like that it would help you deal with whatever you're feeling."

Wow, pretty insightful, I thought. The thing was that I am not sure I even want to deal with my issues. Again, denial is your friend.

"What if I find out that I shouldn't be with Joe? What if I find out that my friendship with Ranger is poison?"

Lula snorted again, "Girl, you got more than friendship with Batman. We see how he looks at you. The man wants to have you for lunch."

Okay, so maybe Ranger wanted me for sex, but what about long term. I didn't want to be someone that gets tossed aside for a younger model. "Ranger just wants sex."

"Damn, Skippy, he wants sex. You want it too. Ain't that your big issue right now? You ain't getting enough from Officer Hottie, so you need to find a new ride."

"Jesus, Lula, it's not like that. You make me sound like a nympho." I huffed, blowing hair from my face. I'm not like that, am I?

Connie interrupted. "It's not always about sex. I realized that when I started writing. There was something missing and it wasn't just physical. I was missing the closeness you have with the other person. I was missing having someone who knew me, really knew me. When I wrote about what I thought would be the perfect relationship, it wasn't all about sex."

I smiled at that. Connie had a point. I mean the sex part was important, but it was when someone stands with you through the bad times that you feel important to him. I thought of the times that both Ranger and Joe had been there for me. Okay, so Ranger probably had a leg up on Joe in that area. He was a bit more understanding about my career choice.

"Why don't you try this, Steph. Write in vivid detail your perfect moment. Don't think about Joe or Ranger, just think about you. Write about what makes you happy," Connie suggested. "You'll be surprised how revealing that can be."

Lula shrugged. "I don't know about all that, but I sure would like to read what you wrote, Connie. Any chance you'll let Steph and I read it?"

I think Connie actually blushed. "No way. Like I said, I don't want anyone reading it."

"Well, damn," Lula retorted. "You get me all worked up and then don't deliver. I swear, that's something a man would do."

I frowned, thinking about what she was suggesting. I don't know if I am any good at writing, but I figure giving Connie's idea a shot couldn't really hurt. If I could, I thought, I would give it a shot tonight. My cell phone started ringing. The screen showed Morelli's name.

"Hey, Joe," I said. "How's it going? Please don't tell me that you can't make it for dinner."

I knew that was probably the reason he was calling.

"Cupcake, don't get mad, but I really can't make it. I have to work." Joe's police work managed to create a few problems for us in the past. His timing with the work excuse usually sucked.

"Joe, believe me, I'm trying to be understanding. It's just that this is the second Friday that you canceled out on. What's happening this weekend?"

Joe blew out a breath that echoed through the cell phone. "Cupcake, it's going to be a long weekend," was all he said.

We managed to talk a few minutes before I heard him being called away. Lula sat there shaking her head. "Uh huh," she began. "Just like I thought. The cop can't cut it anymore. Girl, you need to get you a piece of that walking sex, Batman. If I didn't already have me Tank, I'd be going after one of those fine men who work for Ranger." Lula sighed. It must have been the mention of Tank's name that got her thinking about him. The look on her face said it all.

"Honestly, Lula, it isn't that way at all. Joe is a wonderful guy. He has a stressful job, but he always finds time for me."

Connie interjected, "He finds time for something, Steph, but is it you or is it sex."

Aren't they the same thing, I wondered, then realized what I was doing. Maybe Connie had a point. Whenever Joe and I got together, it either started or ended with the sex. I'm not complaining, but there had to be more to our relationship than sex. I definitely needed to examine that further, just not now. Denial is your friend, my new mantra.

"Listen, Steph, take it from someone who's been there. You need to find out what really makes you happy and then go for it. Stop living to others' expectations. Start fresh if you have to, but do it for yourself, not because of any man." This was definitely a side of Connie I doubted many had seen before. I had a new appreciation for her hidden depth, but I really didn't think I had any of that in me.

Connie, Lula and I left the mall. We actually didn't bother with shopping. The car ride back to Vinnie's was pretty quiet, as if we all had plenty to think about. All thinking stopped, however, when we pulled in beside the black Bronco in front of Vinnie's office and saw Ranger leaning getting out of the truck.

"Hot damn," Lula began, "if it ain't the Batman himself. You know he's got to be looking for you, girl."

I swallowed hard. "That's what I'm afraid of," I whispered.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Ranger was just coming out of Vinnie's office when we entered.

"Ladies, Babe," he offered. Without asking, he took me by the arm. "I need to talk to you outside," he added.

We took up our usual places in the alley. I leaned back against the bricks, wondering what it would be this time.

"Babe, are you okay?"

That wasn't what I expected to hear. "Sure, why wouldn't I be?" I was rapidly trying to forget about our last conversation.

"Babe, you don't have to hide from me. Believe it or not, I understand." That was saying a lot coming from Ranger.

"Look Ranger, I know that I need time to work through all these thoughts jumbled in my brain, but I will work them out. I really don't want you to worry about me. Okay?" Deflector shields up. Mooner was watching a Star Trek marathon last week.

"Babe," was the only reply before he headed back to the Porsche parked in front of the office. I noticed there was no attempt to poach this visit.

I managed to get back into the office and grab my purse without a lot of fuss from either Connie or Lula. I think that conversation at lunch headed off the more obvious comments and questions. I excused myself and said I had a couple of errands to run, but in truth, I just wanted to go home. I wasn't sure how I felt about Ranger's concern for me. I was still disappointed that Joe was going to miss dinner. I had a couple of hours before I had to be at my parents house. Maybe I would give Connie's idea a try.

I have to admit that I kind of thought the whole thing was a bit silly. I couldn't image Connie sitting down to write about her perfect moment. Connie was usually a woman of action. If she saw something she wanted, she usually went after it. No one messed with Connie for fear of the "family" connections. As I drove back to my apartment, I wondered about what her perfect moment was like.

I got to my apartment, checked it out for any surprises (since they were the "norm" in my life) and sat down on the couch. What would be my perfect moment. I had a lot of ideas about moments that could be special. I just didn't know if those moments could be called "perfect". That's a lot of pressure to put on one moment in time.

I had left my laptop sitting on the kitchen table. Getting a bottle of water from the fridge, I turned the computer on and sat down in front of it. My perfect moment, I thought. I thought about what scene to set. I'm not a morning person, but there was this one sunrise that I saw when running with Ranger. The sky was so colorful and the air was crisp and clean, kind of like the day was reborn. There was no smog, no noise, just the morning. I remember standing there watching the sky as the sun rose. I felt a warm hand on the back on my neck and Ranger leaned in to whisper in my ear. "See the beauty in the morning, Babe." Yeah, I did.

I can't say that this was a perfect moment, but it was a special one. I haven't seen many sunrises and didn't particularly want to see that one, but it was a pretty nice pay off to having to run at 5 am.

I smiled at the thought that I also got to see Ranger in the morning, which wasn't a bad pay off either.

I switched tracks and thought about the evening. It was a beautiful time of day. At night, I was hopefully past attracting crazies and running through garbage. At night, I was close to falling into a deep sleep. There were nights were I would find myself wrapped up in Joe's arms. I smiled at the thought. Joe was a source of many special moments, but they usually involved sex. I didn't want my perfect moment to be about sex. I thought about what Connie had said. It wasn't about Ranger or Joe, this had to be about me. My problem was I was so linked to the two men, it was sometimes hard to separate myself from them. Maybe this was actually part of the problem.

I decided to forget about the time of day for the perfect moment and think of things that make me happy. I immediately thought of flying. A part of me would love to be a pilot, but another part was too afraid to try. If flying was out of the question, the next thing that sprang to mind was sailing. I had limited experience with boats, but always thought it looked cool. It would be a special moment to be sailing under a starry sky. I started to type a scene involving sailing at night, but my thoughts rapidly turned to pirates. The thought of pirates made me think of Ranger. Jesus, it was a vicious circle.

I looked at what I typed and laughed. Definitely, not a perfect moment. I thought about what else would make a perfect moment. Drawing a blank, I considered the special moments in my life, hoping for inspiration.

There were a lot of special moments, little things that happened that made me smile, but nothing really struck me as perfect. I smiled fondly at the memory of Morelli coming to my apartment for that first date. "Nice dress," I remember him saying, quickly followed by "Now take it off." Okay, that was blatantly sexual, but what a memory! Then there was the memory of falling out of Con's cabinet, into Ranger's arms, after thinking that I had finally done the one thing that was going to do me in. I remember so vividly the look in his eyes, when I opened mine to see his face after being trapped in the dark cabinet. At that moment that look said so much. I remember waiting to see if the words to back up the look would follow, but they didn't. I remember seeing the same look the night that Ranger entered my apartment knowing that Scrog was waiting to kill him. Okay, not a good memory and especially not a good moment, but the look in Ranger's eyes spoke volumes. I waited to see if he would have anything more to say once he was well, but the words didn't come.

I looked at the computer screen and noticed that I had typed all these thoughts into the computer. I hit the save icon. I still didn't have the perfect moment, but I had something to think about. I needed to get ready for dinner at my parents, but this whole writing thing was starting to get to me. If Connie could do this, I hoped that I could, but things weren't looking too good right now. I needed to figure out what my perfect moment would consist of and leave Ranger and Joe out of it. The problem was neither man was ever far from my thoughts.

I quickly showered and changed, grabbed my purse and keys and headed out to my parents. I was already to their house when I realized I forgot to shut down my computer.


	5. Chapter 5

Thought Process Chapter 5

Dinner was the usual affair. Nothing much changes at my parents' house. Maybe that's part of the reason that I continue to go to dinner every Friday. Okay, the routine as well as the fact my mother would disown me if I didn't. It's the routine that somehow always worms it way back into my life despite the fact that I don't think I really want it. I located my key and made my way upstairs to the apartment. I saw the message light blinking as soon as I entered the living room.

"Hey Cupcake, I'm really sorry about missing dinner. I was hoping to come over tonight but it didn't work out. Bob and I will see you tomorrow."

I smiled down at Rex. "I don't know if I can stay mad at him Rex." I turned around to the computer on the table. I forgot that I had left the screen up. I suppose it didn't matter. Joe hadn't showed up and it was way too early for Ranger. I sat back down in front of the computer and started writing.

Joe was so much a part of my life that I really couldn't see changing that ever. Of course, I also couldn't see us married with children. If I ended up with Joe in a forever type of way, what would that mean for my relationship with Ranger. Did I even have one? I typed these and other questions into the computer. I sat staring at the screen for what seemed like another hour before I finally crawled into bed. It was early yet, but I didn't really care.

A noise woke me. It wasn't loud or particularly scary, but it did mean that Ranger was no doubt in my apartment. I sat up in bed, half expecting to see him at the door, but he didn't appear. That's when I realized that I had left the computer out and the screen was probably still on what I was writing. I could only hope that the battery died.

I climbed out of the warm bed and made my way to the living room.

"And what do you think you're doing?" As I suspected, he was sitting at the table, obviously having read my musings. "That's private, Ranger."

He looked up at me and although it was dark in the room, I could see his face. I tried to remember exactly what I had written. It was obvious to me that whatever I said had some effect on him.

"Do we have a relationship, Babe? Are you saying here that you aren't sure?"

I laughed out loud. "I've been saying that for some time, Ranger. Where have you been?" Okay, so I was in a bad mood, but he's the one who woke me up.

He moved quickly and quietly, stopping right in front of me. "I remember that day when you fell out of the cabinet. I had nightmares about that that moment for weeks. It had a happy ending, Babe, but not all my nightmares do. I kept thinking what would happen if I hadn't found you in time. You wrote that you were waiting for me to say more, then and again with Scrog. What you don't realize is that I couldn't."

I waited again. I wanted him to continue, but didn't know if he would. "Why not?"

"I didn't have the right to claim you then. There was so much that I wasn't sure of. I didn't want to screw up your life."

"Why do you think that would be the result? Jesus, Ranger, it's like you're trying to hide from me. We're more than that you know, more than just friends. You can't change that, no matter you say or don't say."

"Babe," he whispered, running his hand over my cheek. I reached up to grasp his hand.

"Carlos, I don't want you to turn away from me because you think it's better for me."

"Morelli?" He asked what I couldn't answer. "I read that passage about the first date. Impressive."

"Private," was my only response.

"He's a decent guy."

"You're a decent guy too."

"I like it when you say my name."

I smiled at him. "It's a nice name." Lame, but I was reaching for words now anyway. We usually didn't have such long or deep conversations.

"Goodnight, Babe," he added with a kiss, leading me back into my bedroom. He watched as I crawled back into the bed and then kissed my forehead and caressed my cheek.

"Goodnight, Carlos," I said with a yawn.

The next day at the office, I asked Connie about whether this writing thing was hard for her or came naturally.

"Well, Steph, it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. I don't know what to tell you."

Connie appeared uneasy for some reason. "Connie, are you regretting telling us about this? Has Lula given you a hard time, cause I really appreciate the fact you cared enough to share."

"Geez, I don't know. I guess it just feels sort of awkward. I mean, I haven't told anyone else about that, you know. Wouldn't want it to get around."

I smiled at Connie. Here was a self-made woman who outwardly appeared large and in charge, but she seemed to have the same issues and insecurities I did. Who knew?

"No problem here, Connie. I won't mention it again."

Lula wasn't in the office. She had a date with Tank last night and word was she was sleeping in. That was the usual chain of events after an all night visit by Ranger's second.

"Lula coming in at all today?" I asked Connie.

Connie smiled up from her nail polish. "Yeah, sometime later today. You know how she is after a late one. God, I hate to have to listen to her, but I'm happy for her, Steph. She deserves a good man."

I considered Connie's words. Yeah, it was a pain when Lula was on a high and let everyone know it, but as her friends, we couldn't be happier for her. "I'll stop by later, just so she has someone else to gossip with." I bid Connie goodbye and walked to the door, just in time to see Joe pull up outside.

"Hey, Joe," I offered as I walked to his car. "How'd it go last night?"

"It would have been much better had I been with you last night, but the case it working out okay." He reached out and pulled me into his arms. "Did you miss me?"

I saw over his shoulder that a black Porsche was passing by. Since the windows were tinted, I knew it was Ranger.

"Yeah, I thought about you once or twice." No reason he should know it was in connection to my conversation with Ranger.

"I promise to make it up to you, Cupcake. How about dinner out tonight?"

I smiled up at him. He had a certain charm and those dark and brooding good looks that made women melt. "Sounds wonderful. What time?"

"I'll pick you up at 7:00 tonight. Dress is casual, but no jeans."

"Interesting. What do you have in mind?"

Joe smiled and his eyes seemed to sparkle. "Just wait and see."


	6. Chapter 6

Thought Process 6

I dressed as directed and kept the makeup to a minimum. That meant that I had on the required mascara, blush and a stay-on lip stick. I left my hair loose, because for some reason it decided to behave today. I was just headed back into the living room when I heard Joe come in. He was walking into the kitchen dressed casually, but exuding sex appeal. He was lethal in more ways than one. I felt my stomach clinch when he turned around and saw me.

"Cupcake, you look wonderful," he moved in for a kiss.

I leaned into him, taking in his warmth and feeling those strong arms surround me. Joe was strength and warmth and everything right with the world at this moment.

"I hope you don't mind, but I thought we'd go for a walk before dinner."

I shrugged. This was definitely unusual, but had a certain appeal. "No problem. Ready to go," I was more than a little curious.

"Let's roll."

Joe was silent while he drove. Reminded me of Ranger and his zone. Mental head slap, I scolded myself. I wasn't going to think of one man while with another. That was the plan for the evening. I needed to find out where I stood with Morelli.

"Cupcake," he interrupted my thoughts, "there's a reason why I wanted to have to alone tonight. There's something really important that I want to talk to you about."

My guts clinched. I didn't like it when Joe mentioned 'really important' and 'talk' in the same sentence. It never boded well for me in the past. It was a rather pleasant night and we found ourselves at a park outside Trenton. Joe walked around the car and opened my car door.

"Kind of out there for a talk isn't it?" I was going for bemused, but I sounded more scared than anything.

"I didn't want any interruptions." Joe took my hand and we walked along a path that appeared to wind its way through a garden. It was actually kind of nice. It was dark, except for lights in the garden and the stars in the sky, where you could actually see them.

"Joe, I think I have had about enough suspense. What is it that you want to talk about?"

Joe pulled me over to a bench. "I've been doing a lot of thinking, Steph. I think about the two of us all the time. I love you and I think you love me, but there's always been a commitment issue between us. I'm not sure that will ever change. Will it?"

Joe was still holding my hand. I looked at his profile. He was one of the most handsome men I had ever known and I had known him for most of my life, well off and on. I smiled at him.

"We have our issues, yes. As far as commitment, I honestly don't know what to say. You and I never seem to be on the same page, in the same book, at the same time."

Joe laughed. "Very literary, but I get your point. I also know that you mean the world to me, Stephanie. I don't want to lose the friendship we have or the love we have for each other, but at the same time, I need something more." 

Now my stomach was one huge knot. I hated feeling like the other shoe was getting ready to drop.

"What exactly is it that you want, Joe?"

"I guess I want permanent. I want more than sex and pizza. I want to know that you are waiting for me when I come home and that there's no one else in your heart, just me."

Figured he would bring that up. "You do deserve that, you know," I offered. "I wish to God that I could give it to you."

"I know Cupcake. I'm not blaming you. I suppose I finally realized that it's not who you are. I'm driving you crazy, trying to get you to live in my world, the 'Burg world, when you really need something else."

"Where's this coming from Joe? What did I do to make you feel this way? You're breaking up with me and brought me here to let me down easy?" Tears were swimming in my eyes.

"Honey, it's okay. Christ, I knew I would blow this. Stephanie, I realized that you need more than I can give you," Joe explained.

"Stop it," I yelled. "That's something that Ranger would say, not you!" I stood up to leave him sitting there, but there was a voice in the distance.

"Not anymore, Babe."

Ranger.

I whipped around to face Joe. "What's going on here?"

"It's part of what I'm trying to tell you, Cupcake. I realized that he's what you need, what you want. Stephanie, I've spent the better part of a year trying to avoid what's standing in front of me," he glared over to an approaching Ranger. "I realize now that I'm delaying the inevitable."

"So you're making the decision for me?" I cried. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I watched Ranger approach. His hair was down and he worn casual, non-black clothes. He looked like a dream. I noticed Joe watched his approach as well.

"Yeah, I'm making the decision for us. What you do now is up to you," he kissed me and hugged me tight. "Just remember, that I will always be there for you. No matter what."

I sat back down and cried silently. This isn't the way I thought the night would go. Ranger came over and held me tightly against his chest.

"I know it hurts, Babe, but Morelli's trying to take the high road. We both see you struggling with your feelings for both of us. I should stay away, but I can't. I sent you back to him once. I'm not doing it again. He's giving you up in order to give us a chance."

I sighed deeply. "You don't do relationships, remember."

I felt him chuckle. "Babe, there's a lot of things that I don't do that I have done for you. I've saved you many times, nearly as many as you've saved me. I've given you my favorite cars, only to have them destroyed. I have slept with you and really slept for the first time in years. Babe, I've woken up to find you in my arms. My perfect moment."

I went rigid. His perfect moment. "Ranger, did you tell Joe about what I wrote on the computer?

He didn't answer, but that was answer enough. "What did you say to Joe?"

Ranger stood up and put some distance between us. "When I read your computer, I realized how crazy we were making you. I talked to Morelli about it. I offered to leave Trenton. He didn't think that would be in your best interest."

I didn't know what to think. He had talked to Morelli about that stupid dialog I wrote. I never imagined that he would do that. "Was it your idea for him to bring me here?"

"No."

"Did he really just break up with me? Did he leave me here?" I couldn't see the parking lot but suspected that Joe was on his way back to Trenton proper.

"Yes."

"Now is not the time for one word sentences," I snapped as I headed back to the parking lot.

Strong hands reached out for my arms.

"No, it's not. It's time for you to listen to me." He gently placed me back on the bench.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Ranger sat down on the bench beside me and stared up at the sky.

"It's hard for me to admit the power you have over me," he began, speaking more to the sky than to me, but I understood. He didn't want to look me in the eye right then.

"I tried to deny it for some time, but after the Scrog incident, I knew that you were someone that I couldn't let get away. I do regret the hurt and confusion this caused you, Babe, but I don't regret not letting you go."

I sat quiet for a moment, uncertain of what to say. Part of me wanted to come up with something glib to lighten the moment, but another part of me just wanted the man to talk.

Ranger continued, unbidden "I told you in the past that my life doesn't lend itself to relationships, which is true to a degree. I have obligations that I need to be free of before I can truly feel comfortable committing to a relationship, but at the same time, I don't want to wait. When I read your computer, I realized that if I didn't act now, I might lose you forever. I don't want that, Babe."

I sighed out loud. He was speaking more to me than he had in months, but what he was saying was still confusing. "What does all this mean, Ranger? What is it that you really want?"

He stood up as if to walk away, but then turned back. "You, Stephanie. I want you. I want to wake up in the morning and see your face. I want to come to bed and find you there waiting for me. Babe, I want it all, but I don't know how to get there."

I thought that Ranger's confession would make it easier on me, but I was still reeling from Joe's abandonment. I couldn't figure out what I was supposed to say.

"You don't have to say anything. I understand that this has been a big shock to you. Morelli's feelings for you are strong, Stephanie. He loves you, as I do, but he realized that he can't be what you want."

"And you can," I snapped back. I don't know why I was angry. To much information to process, I guess. "Can you give me a ride back to my apartment?"

Ranger escorted me to the Turbo. We rode in silence until we arrived at my building. He came upstairs with me to check out my apartment.

"You need time, Babe. I understand that, but you also need to understand that I am not going away. I want to give us a try."

I didn't say anything. I really couldn't. I went from having a reasonable relationship with Joe to being thrust into a quasi-relationship with Ranger. This night was just too freaky. I followed Ranger back to the front door and locked it after he left without another word.

I awoke the next morning thinking that the previous night's events were all a part of a dream. Joe hadn't really dumped me and Ranger didn't really want a relationship. My life was back to normal.

There were no voice mail messages from my mother asking why I would let my last chance at marriage slip through my fingers. Proof positive, I must have dreamed the whole night.

I readied myself to stop by the bonds office. It was my turn to bring the donuts. I was ready to pay for them, standing at the counter of the Tasty Pastry, when I felt that all familiar tingle. Ranger handed over a twenty dollar bill faster than I could get my money out of my wallet. The cashier gave him his change and he escorted me out the door, his hand on my elbow as I grasped my bounty of donuts tightly.

"You didn't have to do that, Ranger. It's my turn to buy the donuts," I told him, evading looking him in the eye. What if I gave away my feelings? What about that dream?

"Babe, not a problem. I wanted to ask you out this evening," he began.

I felt like the deer in the headlight...I stopped short of my car. "Why would you do that?"

Ranger just smiled. Well, the corners of his mouth rose slightly. "I meant what I said last night, Babe."

Last night? "I dreamed last night that I talked to you, but it was just a dream. Right?"

"No, Babe, it was all real life." He moved closer, setting the box of donuts on the roof of my car. "We need to figure out what our next steps will be. I thought a date made the most sense."

I swallowed with some difficulty. A date? With Ranger? "Okay," I whispered, too choked up to anything more.

"Pick you up at 7 tonight," he told me before placing a soft kiss on my lips.

I grabbed the donuts off the roof, although I nearly forgot to do so. I had a date with Ranger. It wasn't a dream. Oh my god, that meant that Joe had broken up with me for real. My brain could not wrap itself around the concept. Why hadn't the phone been ringing? No choice, I had to call Morelli.

He answered on the second ring. "Yeah?" Morelli didn't always have the best phone manners.

"Did you dump me last night or did I dream that?"

"Steph, I didn't dump you, but we did end our relationship as we know it. We're trying to stay friends, remember?"

Hell, it wasn't a dream. It wasn't a dream. Ranger does want me. Joe wants to be my friend.

"Joe, I am so confused. When I woke up this morning and there were no messages from my mother, I figured that it was a dream."

I could hear Joe's sigh. "Steph, I visited your parents and explained how things were between us. Your father totally understood; your mother tried to change my mind. By the time I left their house, they both agreed that what was planned was for the best. That's why your mother didn't call."

This whole thing was planned? How long had this been going on?

"Steph, it was just that day," Joe explained. So I had asked those questions out loud. "I visited your parents in the late afternoon."

"Ranger called you? He asked to talk to you about me?" I was starting to put the pieces together.

"Yeah. He was really worried that you weren't going to be able to keep it together. He thought that loving us both was driving you crazy."

I considered what he said. It was basically true.

"Ranger was offering to leave town to save you the trouble, but I seriously doubt he could have done it. I knew he loved you, in his own way, but I didn't realize until yesterday that his own way is simply all the way. He's willing to take whatever you're willing to give. That's pretty special, Cupcake."

Joe was right and he was also way too calm about this.

"Steph, I have to go. I have a meeting in a few. Think about giving Manoso a break. I realize that he's probably pretty closed off, but he actually came to the station to talk to me about this yesterday. That says a lot."

I sighed. "Thanks, Joe. I try to sort it all out. I really do hope that we can stay friends, no matter what happens. You're very important to me."

"Same here, Cupcake. See you," he said and disconnected.

Ranger went to see Joe yesterday. They decided on a plan of action and executed it last night, without any word to me. I never liked it when they worked in concert. In the past it was always about who would clean me up after one of my disasters. I'm not sure I appreciated them sorting the course of my life, yet, they had made more progress then I had.

I took the donuts into the office. Lula was filing. Connie was typing on the computer. They both looked up as I set the donut box on the desk.

"You don't look too worse for wear," Lula offered.

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"Heard about your date last night. Office Hottie is backing off to give Batman some room."

Damn, this means that the whole city probably knew. Might as well confess all. "Seems that way. They made some kind of agreement behind my back. I just talked to Joe. He seems okay with it. I have a date with Ranger tonight. It's just weird. The whole thing started with my attempt to write my perfect moment."

"How did that cause the chain of events?" Connie asked.

"I tried to write it, but it just came out as a string of thought processes. Then I left the computer on and Ranger read what I wrote. He explained it all to Joe and the next thing I knew, Joe dumped me and Ranger steps in to take over."

"White girl, it's about time you both pull your heads out your asses and move this relationship along. The rest of us are getting mighty tired of waiting to see what's goin' happen next," Lula exclaimed.


End file.
